What type of football parent are you?
The Cheerleaders: They're LOUD. Not in a bad 'screaming at the kids' to do better way - usually more like 'get THE BALL!!!' with the word ball carrying over into the next town. As if the decibel level will spur the kids to run that much faster towards the ball.
The Optometrists: "Come on ref! What are you BLIND?" Nuff said!. We try to keep the Cheerleaders away from them lest they become corrupted.
The Evil Eyes: They are generally the ones who sit in folding chairs and glare at The Cheerleaders and Optometrists for being so loud and excited. Except when their team or child scores - then they jump up and yell and carry on before looking embarrassed and sitting back down.
The Socialites: They are often seen with large insulated mugs of coffee chattering with other soccer parents struggling to keep an eye on the game while still staying involved in the topic of the day. They are often excellent sources of the latest scuttlebutt across town. They also often have coffee stains on their shirts from startled spills when the Cheerleaders and Evil Eyes join forces cheering.
The Conspiracy Theorists: They're often the most fun since they will comment on why a given team is doing poorly or well, except the reasons are usually exotic like "That kid looks like he's 12 - he can't be 7" or "The coach has a special water jug filled with Red Bull" or "They're taking him for EXTRA lessons".
The John Maddens: After each play they'll dissect it and offer up to the other parents ideas on how the 4 year olds can better prepare for their next attack on goal as a 'unit'. They often pair up with the Conspiracy Theorists.
The Moms from U.N.C.L.E.: They can often be found furtively wandering around the parents from the opposing team trying to hear what they think about the match, the others kids, and the opposing coaches and to lookout for any shady goings on. They recruit heavily from the Conspiracy Theorists and report their findings back to the Socialites.
The 007's: These are like undercover spies. They will tell you what a good job you're doing but are known to mutter things like "whats he done that for".
The Fergusons: Stand on the touchline looking at their watch often seen commenting "he's only played 8 minutes" or "he's adding minutes on here".
Glenn Roeders: Will stand on the touchline shouting advice to all and sundry but doesn't have a clue whats going on.
The McClarens: Stand under a brolly, looking frightened
The Wengers: Miss the important bits, like their kids scoring
The Benitez: Try to watch all nine of their kids at once
Orgasm Mum: Shrieks and screams all the way through, culminating in an elongated YEEEEEEEESSSSSSS when a goal is scored
Nympho Mum: As above but doesn't care which team scores
John Motson: Stands on sideline giving a running commentary, including 'witty' asides to the bloke next to him
Lawro: Stands next to John Motson looking confused
Phil Neals: Stand next to you at at pre-match/half time team talk repeating everything you've just said.